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I remember throwing youth conferences twice a year that to this day give me chills to recollect — opening service to a church packed full of young people slain, in the floor, crying, worshiping, calling out to God so intensely the choir director said not a soul in there was seated. The guy was there crying. I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, everywhere. It was the longest two minutes of my life. He asked if I was free and sent me an address, telling me to be down for anything. When I told him I felt lightheaded, he told me to go lie down, that I must be tired from the drive. But that visit was the first time I tried crystal meth and liquid G.

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But that visit was the first time I tried crystal meth and liquid G.

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Then these little incidents began. I took baths and hoped it would wash away in the tub. People had told me for so long that I was depressed, but I kept shrugging it off until watching a film that showed person after person described the same feelings I was feeling, arriving at the statement that these were the signs of depression. No force behind it, just a friendly tap. How could you let somebody do these things to you? For a long time, I stopped praying.

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